The Word 'It' Can Be An Euphemism For A Lot Of Things
by hellointernet
Summary: ...including, but not limited to, bad movie parodies. They are world's deadliest assassins. They identities are a secret... even from each other. This is supposed to sound like the trailer but failing rather badly. Mr. and Mrs. Okita.
1. Chapter 1

**A desperate attempt to get them to do** ** _it_** **(and no, not that kind of** ** _it_** **).**

"No, Gin-chan! I don't wanna!" Kagura struggled, kicking her legs futilely as she was lifted by Gintoki. Dammit, she was a grown woman. At 22, she shouldn't be treated like she was still 14!

"We don't need marriage therapy. Do you want me to blow you to smithereens with my bazooka? HAH?!" Sougo narrowed his eyes against his whole team, bazooka ready to fire.

This whole thing was ridiculous. They should be _fighting_ , not talking about marriage or therapy. _He_ shouldn't even be here.

"Oi, oi. Don't go shooting that thing in other people's houses." Gintoki karate-chopped the sandy haired on the head. "Be a little mature like Gin-san, Kagura. I take marriage therapy."

Shinpachi snorted. "Mature. Yeah, right."

"You're not even fucking married!" the redhead screamed, once again kicking.

* * *

 **Before 'A desperate attempt to get them to do** ** _it_** **(and no, not that kind of** ** _it_** **)'.**

"So, how was work?" Okita lifted a spoonful of his fried rice. He chewed it thoughtfully.

"The usual, uh-huh. It was nice but before we finished up the cool down, some kid stumbled in. We had to… get rid of him, in a sense," Kagura replied. "You? How did your business trip go?"

"It was good. There was some… trouble with the paperwork but it's getting sorted out."

As far as they knew, Kagura worked as a tai chi instructor for a senior club. Sougo worked for Shin Corporations and was the head of the management team, only below the CEO and Vice President.

They lived comfortably in an average Japanese house as the Okitas. They had a car and a motorcycle, both in good condition. Their garden was frugal but well maintained. It was nothing fancy and blended right in with the neighborhood.

It was nice. It was normal.

Okita studied his plate. Something seemed off. He shifted the rice around.

"Did you add something new?"

Kagura cut him a sideways glance with her big blue eyes and reached for a packet of furikake. She sprinkled the whole packet onto her plate.

"I added bees."

"Huh?"

"Bees," she repeated. "I added bees."

Okita glanced at his plate. "So you added honey?"

The woman frowned. "Honey? I didn't add honey. I added bees." She grabbed a spoonful of rice and pointed at the green bits. "See? I added bees."

"The word you're looking for is _peas_."

"That's what I said!"

The russet-eyed reached for the tabasco sauce. "Peas… I thought you didn't eat peas."

The red head frowned lightly and ate another spoonful. She chewed slowly before swallowing. "Everyone eats peas, yes?"

"I thought you didn't _like_ peas," Okita rephrased his statement. He surveyed his plate, now drenched in half a bottle of tabasco sauce. Then he dumped the rest of the sauce in.

She merely shrugged her dainty shoulders and smoothed out her China dress. "They're not so bad."

* * *

 **What** ** _really_** **happened at work**.

Sougo got himself as comfortable as he can on the rough, bumpy mountain side. He set up his equipment, making sure they were stable. He idly wondered if he should take a test shot and make sure the sniper gun wasn't going to slide down in recoil.

Okita glanced at his watch. 2 minutes till 10.

The target should be coming any moment.

He hummed under his breath to pass time.

"Don't hum Twinkle Twinkle Little Star when you're on a mission, bastard. Over," Hijikata's voice came crackling through the little earbud.

"How would you know it's Twinkle Twinkle Little Star? I could be humming the alphabet song. They're the same tune," Okita softly replied. Then he added. "Die, Hijikata-san. Over."

"You effin – just – just don't fuck this up. Target's coming up in about 1 minute and 28 seconds. Over."

"Go roll down a bumpy hill into a pit of spikes. Over." Sougo ignored the cursing in the Bluetooth and instead took a deep breath.

Take out the tires first. Then the target.

Nice and simple.

He lowered his eye to the scope, adjusting the gun. One, two, thre –

 _Thump, thump, thump, screeech._

"What the fuck?"

There was now a huge ass boulder in the middle of the road. The target had skidded his bike at the sudden disruption. Okita scrambled for his binoculars instead of taking a shot at the target. Who the fuck was interfering?

"Hijikata-san, you see this?" Sougo pressed the record button on his binoculars and aimed at the boulder. "There's no way this is a natural disaster. The mountain side goes steep and stays clear of the road. We've got someone else on the field. Either someone with a lot of equipment or a monster with super strength. Over."

"I see it. But, Sougo, remain on tas – "

"I'm gonna see if I spot the competition. There's gotta be someone on the other side." He scanned opposite mountain side. Damn it, there were way too many trees and whole mountainside was in the sun's shadow. Too many hiding places for the other man to hide.

He quickly switched to night vision mode. Then the barrage of bullets on the target started.

Okita swore violently and followed the bullets back to its owner. The face wasn't clear but it was obviously a woman. She was wearing… a dress, possibly a darker color such as red or dark blue. He couldn't quite tell since everything was green.

And what the fuck was that? What was on her head? It looked like… a bun? A clump of shit?

But the point was, she was stealing his target. And that wouldn't do at all.

Okita ignored Hijikata repeatedly ordering him to focus on the task. He steadied his bazooka, aimed at the approximated area of the woman, took a deep breath and fired. The familiar boom hit him and left his ears ringing.

"Sougo! You're not supposed to have a bazooka! Why do you have a bazooka?! I specifically told you not to bring that thing because – "

Okita ignored him in favor of scanning the opposite side for the woman. He spied a figure limping and swore again. Why couldn't she just go die?

"Sougo! The target!" At Hijikata's urgent tone, the russet eyed turned his eyes back to the road. Kawakami Bansai had propped up his bike and before Okita could take the shot, the teal haired man sped off around the boulder.

Okita swore again. Today was not his day. Everything was ruined because of that bitch.

* * *

 **Before what** ** _really_** **happened at work.**

 _Shinsengumi Headquarters, a.k.a. 'Shin Corporations'._

"So who's the target? Perhaps it's finally Hijikata-san?" Okita drawled to Kondo. He grabbed his bazooka and took aim. "It _is_ Hijikata-san, yes?"

"Oi! It's not me! Put that thing down! And what do you mean 'finally'?" Hijikata pushed away the bazooka.

Kondo merely laughed. "Now, now, Sougo. It's not Toushi. Yamazaki, pull up the screen."

"Yes, sir!" Yamazaki turned to the computer. The screen flickered on and displayed some guy's information.

The commander turned serious. "Kawakami Bansai. He's deeply connected with the Kiheitai, deep enough to possibly be the second in command. He was seen having a meeting with Takasugi Shinsuke in some cheap rundown hotel in Budapest, Hungary. The contents of the meeting is currently unknown but we have some agents set on getting the security tape from the hotel."

"So you want me to hunt them down?" Okita raised an eyebrow.

"Idiot. At least listen to the end," Hijikata groused.

"I'll listen to _your_ end."

Kondo cleared his throat. "Sougo, you're only going after Kawakami. When Kawakami and Takasugi went separate ways, we sent two agents to track them. Both of them were found out. Unfortunately, Takasugi immediately dispatched his tail and we did not get any information from that end. Yamazaki tailed Kawakami and barely made it alive."

"Shot?" Sougo tilted his head as if the new angle would make Yamazaki's injury more obvious.

"Stabbed, actually. Kawakami had a sword hidden in the shamisen – that's the instrument that he carries around," Sagaru replied, hand going to his abdomen. Okita stared at the spot, silently wondering how big the wound was.

"And you were properly searched to make sure you weren't bugged?"

"Of course."

"So why'd he let Anpan Man here get away?"

"We don't know. We're not sure what Kawakami's motives were by letting Zaki go," Hijikata growled, as if the missing knowledge was causing him physical pain.

"Kawakami said something about listening to a continuation of a song. My song, specifically," Yamazaki reported. "I'm not sure what that means since I never produced a song before but it may be a code for something big. Though I'm not sure why he would say something in code to _me_ but – "

"Point is, we learned that Kawakami's going to Chengdu in Sichuan province, China, for a meeting with, presumably, the Harusame," Hijikata explained.

"The Space Pirates?"

"They don't even move through space," Yamazaki grumbled from the side.

"Exactly," Kondo took over. "We're not sure what Kiheitai's plans are but if we must not let them join forces with Harusame. You are going to Chengdu and kill him before the meeting. Hopefully, if he doesn't show up to meeting, the deal will be canceled. Or at least, make things difficult for negotiations between the two groups. Kawakami's known to possess a silver tongue and we'd rather not have him use it."

Okita nodded. "So where am I going to be set up?"

"He'll be taking the Guangyuan-Gansu expressway. We've never seen Kawakami travel exclusively with bodyguards. He rides a dirt bike around and goes alone by himself. We can presume that he will do the same on this trip but we should always consider the possibility of a car and extra bodyguards."

The sandy haired nodded slowly, watching as the screen flickered to a picture of a dirtbike, the model number and its stats.

"It's pretty secluded and there are mountains on the side. We were hoping to get you set up on the mountain side and shoot the man. Or the tires. Make it look like an accident, if possible," Kondo clarified.

"Details are not sure yet?"

"Well, whatever works works," Isao said with a shrug.

Hijikata snorted. "More like we just don't know what you're going to do on your own so why bother making a plan."

"Toushi!" the commander admonished.

Sougo took no offense. He leveled his gaze at the Vice Commander. "Whatever works works, Hijikata-san."

"You little shit!" Hijikata stepped towards him.

Kondo held him back. "Woah, woah. Let's not fight right now."

Okita merely blinked. "So I'm going mountain climbing. Man, I hate mountain climbing. We should get the Rough Mountain to climb the rough mountain."

"Captain! I just got stabbed, okay?" Yamazaki protested.

"Thought you were the Mountain Demon Killer'? A little stab wound shouldn't affect you, hm?"

"Captain! That was from the past!"

Kondo laughed loudly. "Come on, Sougo. You know Yamazaki's not cut out for this kind of stuff. Let's go pick out the weapons." He slung an arm around the sandy haired's neck and dragged him towards the side.

"Kondo-san, can I bring a bazooka?"

"NO! Last time you brought a bazooka, you nearly destroyed the whole bridge!" Hijikata yelled after him.

"No one's asking you, Hijikata-san! Go make some more love to mayonnaise."

"Maybe I will, you bastard!"

* * *

 _Yorozuya Office_

"Kagura-chan! Stop watching that T.V. show! We have a job," Gintoki called from his desk.

"I'm not watching a T.V. show. It's research, uh-huh!" the redhead grumbled but turned her attention the natural perm.

"What research? No one in the world would act like anyone in that soap opera," Shinpachi muttered from his position on the opposite couch. His eyes stayed focused on his laptop. Probably hacking into some top secret files or whatnot. Whatever glasses do.

"Shut up, Pachi. Who's the target, Gin-chan?" She didn't bother questioning who gave the job. Questions like those were a thing of the past now. She trusted Gin-chan enough to choose the least politically involved and troublesome job (and Shinpachi to stop Gin-chan in time if the job was just stupid).

"Kawakami Bansai, a member of the Kiheitai."

Kagura paused at the name of the group. They had a run in with the group before. "The… he's the… pedophile who says he's a feminist?

"Nope, that would be Takechi Henpeita. This," Shipachi turned around his laptop to show a teal haired man, "is Kawakami Bansai.

"Okay. Where am I going this time?"

"Chengdu, Sichuan province. China. You'll take him out on the Guangyuan-Gansu expressway at… around 10. The day after tomorrow. You ready?" Gintoki yawned and scratched his head.

"Easy, uh-huh. A hit and run?" Kagura stared at a spot behind Gin-chan's head, trying to imagine what she'd do. Perhaps a car chase? A simple shot from the behind from her bike? That could work, depending on the amount of bodyguards.

"Ah, nope. You'll go on this side of the mountain," Shinpachi took over the explaining. He pointed to a picture of the expressway. "Then you take him out."

"With what?"

"I don't know. With whatever you usually do. Just do it from this side, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. Okay."

"And Kagura-chan? Will there be any trouble with your husband?" the bespectacled man said it in an offhand manner but Kagura knew that if Sougo was going to be trouble, he was going to get… dispatched.

"It should only be a day trip, yes?"

The technician nodded.

She shrugged. "No, there shouldn't be any trouble at all. Do we have any sukunbo?"

* * *

 _This is obviously a parody of 'Mr. and Mrs. Smith'. And an AU where there are no Amantos but they're still in Edo (so they have swords) and technology is pretty advanced too. So just no Prince Hatas going around - I know, sad._

 _In this fic, Kagura is 22 and Sougo is 26. They're both assassins but they're married without knowing about each other's job. The basic summary of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. They might be a bit OOC but what can you do? They're older and are assassins now. I'll try to keep them IC as much as possible though._

 _By the way, the Guangyuan-Gansu expressway is real - I just googled it and used the second picture on the first row for reference. You could use that - or just your imagination. And yes, the parts are going to be pretty random (because I wrote them in a random order... sorry) so you're just going to have to figure out which part goes where._

 _Hoped you like it and thanks for reading! Feedback is always appreciated._


	2. Chapter 2

**After what** _ **really**_ **happened at work.**

 _Shinsengumi Headquarters, a.k.a. 'Shin Corporations'._

"Who the fuck was that? I want answers. Start working on it immediately," Okita ordered. He glared at anyone who dared to come a meter near him.

He got an immediate response of "Yes, Captain."

"Sougo, I _told_ you not to fuck this up," Hijikata reprimanded and ambled towards him.

" _I_ didn't fuck it up. It was that bitch. Yamazaki, pull up the video from the binoculars."

"Yes, Captain."

"Look, Hijikata-san. You see that? See that bitch? Pause the video, Yamazaki," Sougo pointed – no, stabbed his finger at the screen.

"Sougo. It's alright," Kondo laid a reassuring hand on the younger's shoulder. "The scout at the place said the meeting was canceled for inexplicable reasons. It'll have to be rescheduled. We'll have another chance to get Bansai."

Okita calmed himself down. That was good news. He was definitely going to get the target next time, rivals be damned. "Alright."

"You're not bringing your bazooka next time," Hijikata growled, pushing past to the smoking room. Kondo also left Sougo with another reassuring pat.

"What are you dogs looking at? Start finding out who the rival is. Report to me the second you have something on her," Sougo instructed.

He had to admit though, the woman had been pretty good. A bit crude but it was still impressive that she managed to somehow get a boulder thrown onto the road, almost stole his target _and_ had fast enough reflexes to dodge the bazooka. He had a feeling that next time, they were going to get along _just fine_.

* * *

 **Before what** _ **really**_ **happened at work.**

"Good morning," Kagura greeted as she walked into the bathroom, meeting Sougo's eyes through the mirror.

"Kagura," he returned. "The day after tomorrow, I'll have to leave for a business trip."

"Oh? Where?" she said, more focused on squeezing the right amount of toothpaste onto her toothbrush. "How long will you be gone?"

"Shanghai. And the stupid meeting should only take one day. I'll be back for dinner the next day. Maybe even lunch, if I'm lucky." Okita ruffled his wife's hair as he exited the bathroom.

"Alright."

 _Ring_. _Ring._

"Hey. Sougo's leaving for Shanghai on the day. He'll be back the next day. That should give us plenty of time, yes?"

"Alright, Kagura-chan. Thanks for the notice."

 _Click._

* * *

 **After what** _ **really**_ **happened at work: Part 2.**

 _Yorozuya Office._

"Gin-chan, Pachi. It didn't work out," Kagura mournfully informed her colleagues, complete with a pout.

Gintoki's head immediately bobbed up. "Didn't work out? With who? Is it that husband of yours? Souchirou-kun? Or was it Sofa-kun?" He turned to the dark haired man for help.

"His name is Okita Sougo," said dark haired man wearily informed.

"Anyway, Gin-chan clearly said the man was no good for you. It was years but Gin-chan clearly remembers it as clear as the strawberry parfait I had yesterday afternoon."

Gintoki never really liked that guy. Yes, he only met the guy once and as a person, Sofa-kun was tolerable, likable even. But marrying Kagura-chan? In being a husband, Souchirou-kun was just… _off._

"Gin-chan, it's not my husband," the redhead glowered. "It's Bandai, uh-huh."

"Kagura-chan. It's Bansai. Bandai is a… a company that we don't want to piss off."

"It's alright. We've pissed them off enough with the same-background-for-15-minutes-in-recap-episodes tactic. And we're still not taken down, are we?"

"No, but our ratings could go down and we could become unpopular," Shinpachi pointed out.

"Unpopular, my ass. Gin-chan is obviously very popular," the silver haired grumbled to himself.

"Are you guys even listening to what I said?" Kagura demanded.

"Yeah. You said something about not working out with that husband of yours," Gintoki shifted through his drawers. He brought out a nice, shiny, black Beretta 92 FS. " _This'll_ work it out."

"Gin-chan, no murdering my husband, yes? I was talking about the Bandai guy. He's not dead."

"Eh. He'll turn up dead someday then. Everyone's gotta die sometime, you know. Hey, if we wait around 40 or so more years, could we collect the money from this job? I mean, a guy's gotta die, right?" the silver haired brightly inquired.

A job failed? So what? It's not the first. They had enough for this month's rent and that was sufficient enough.

"Gin-san. That doesn't count."

Kagura fumed. "You guys are idiots. I'm talking about Bandai because this job was different. It wasn't just that I didn't manage to kill him, yes? Some asshat shot a bazooka at me, okay?" she all but yelled at them.

"Wha – Kagura-chan?" Gintoki was definitely more alert now. His eyes scanned her for any injuries.

"You're saying we have competition," Shinpachi said slowly.

"If not, I have a price on my head now."

That wouldn't do. It really wouldn't. They would have to organize a mission to wipe Kagura's data.

"Are you sure it was a bazooka? I mean – "

"Pachi, I know a bazooka when I see one, uh-huh. And the thing came from the other mountain side. I have 50/50 vision There's no way I would be – "

"It's 20/20. And, I know, I believe you. I just – "

"Shinpachi, get working on that. I want to see the CCTV of that area. Six hours before and after the incident. If Bazooka Man was on the other side, they would had have to come and get set up."

"Gin-san, it's not like I can just – "

"Actually, Shinpachi. No need for that. I grabbed whatever I could from the missile. Maybe you can trace it back to who bought it and whatever you glasses do." She withdrew the piece of metal from her umbrella and threw it to the bespectacled man.

"Thanks, Kagura-chan. This makes it so much easier."

"Just get it done. Kagura, we're having a checkup," Gintoki jumped to his feet, already heading out the door.

"Gin-chan! I'm not pregnant or anything, uh-huh," Kagura protested.

Gintoki hit her on the head. "Idiot, it's not to check on you non-existent baby. We're going to check that you really don't have injuries. I once broke 2 ribs and didn't notice until 3 hours later." He paused as he recalled the memory. "But that might have something with me being drunk then."

"Gin-chan! I'm not going! I'm perfectly fine. I'll just cover up the limp. It's not the first time." The redhead ignored her surrogate father in favor of rummaging through the fridge. "Hey, Shinpachi, what's the deal with this box? This isn't our usual brand."

The dark haired looked over to see the woman hold up a box of readymade fried rice. "Ah. I just bought it yesterday. The clerk said it had peas. I thought we should try out something new."

"I'm taking two of them back to the house, okay?"

* * *

 **Negotiations after 'a desperate attempt to get them to do** _ **it**_ **(and no, not that kind of** _ **it**_ **)'** _ **. - (and yes, the titles are going to continue like this even if they get confusing because I'm that type of shit).**_

"Gin-chan! You can't do this to me!"

Okita glared over to the struggling woman in the perm head's arms. _His wife._ "Shut up, China! Gin-chan, Gin-chan, Gin-chan. Stop throwing a tantrum."

"And you're not throwing one?" Hijikata asked with a raised brow.

"Oi, V-bangs. No smoking in here!" Gintoki yelled.

"Hijikata-san, this is not throwing a tantrum. This is me trying to kill you with a bazooka. See?" Sougo turned and aimed his weapon at the Vice Commander.

He had every right. He just found out his wife was the rival and had been lying to him for the whole time. And she was in another man's arms!

Hijikata merely shrugged and took another drag from his cigarette. "Some kids scream and kick their parents. Some shove a bazooka in their faces."

"You're _not_ my dad."

"Okita-san, please restrain from firing that in here. We just recently repaired the door," Shinpachi said as he came in with snacks and tea.

"Hey, do you guys have any anpan?" Yamazaki asked the bespectacled man.

Shinpachi adjusted his glasses. "No. You'll have to make do with senbei crackers for today."

Kondo laughed loudly as if that alone would keep them all from killing each other. Like they were _supposed_ to be. "Come on! It's not that bad. This is like a nice surprise. We're all one big family! You've got Mr. and Mrs. Okita. And me, who'll be marrying Otae-san in spring! Right, brother-in-law?"

"Kondo-san, please don't go around introducing yourself like that. It'll put a stain on the Shimura name." Then as an afterthought, the bespectacled man added, "And I'm sure that Aneue wanted a June wedding, preferably without a gorilla being the groom."

The Commander of Shinsengumi broke down crying. "Of course! How could he had known that Otae-san wanted a June wedding? It should've been obvious."

"Sougo, Mrs. Okita," Hijikata started.

"Don't call me that, you mayo freak!" Kagura threw a cup of tea towards his head with alarming accuracy.

"If you don't work this out, how are you going to work together in the mission?" the Vice Commander continued right after dodging the cup.

"I want a divorce, Sadist," the redhead declared.

It was just what he was thinking. "Pleasure. You're not getting a thing from me though."

"Woah, woah. Let's not be rash here, Kagura-chan. We're just asking you to go through with a little marriage therapy, not a whole divorce." Gintoki – a.k.a. the man who wouldn't let go of his _wife_ (and no, he wasn't jealous; just pissed) – leaned closer to whisper, "I mean, if you file for a divorce, it'll go to court and you guys have to fight for the custody of the child! That's going to cost money."

The woman narrowed her eyes. "We don't have a child, Gin-chan."

The silver haired waved a hand flippantly. "It's the principle of it."

"Besides, even if we get the therapy, we're still losing money. They," here, she jabbed her finger towards Sougo, "are not going to pay for anything on my part. This marriage is over anyway. Since _someone_ is a sadistic, lying, cheating bastard who tricked me into marrying him!" She raised her volume at the last part.

Okita wasn't going to back down now. How dare she? "Oi, oi. Don't go around assuming things. I never cheated on you, China."

He only went on solo missions. He'd only paired up with a female agent once and that was before the marriage. And even that had ended up with him ditching the female agent in the middle of nowhere. He got stuck babysitting the new recruits for a month for that.

The redhead tore out of perm head's clutch to get right into his face. "Yes, you did! I'm sure that you cheated on that poker game we had last month! I was obviously winning but you – "

 _Oh_. That's what she meant…

"China, shut up. I never cheated in that game. You're the one who cheated in – "

Kagura threw the first punch. Okita counteracted with a sweep at her legs. She almost fell but regained her balance by her hands and then creamy legs were in a whirl, trying to kick his face in.

Sougo made sure to avoid her boots. Those had _hurt_.

Just because she was his wife (though soon to be ex-wife) didn't mean he was going to go easy on her. He rushed towards her, intending to tackle her to the ground. If he could pin her down, he would have the advantage with his upper body strength.

Gintoki sidled up to Hijikata. "Hey, hey. Mayora. You're really not going to pay for our part of the therapy? Come on, it's – "

"No. She's not our agent so we're not paying for her expenses," the dark haired immediately shot the other down.

"Urgh!" Gintoki fell to his knees. "Kagura! We're not doing the therapy if they're not paying for it!"

"Oi! You agreed to the plan already. No backing out, Yorozuya!"

* * *

 **After 'after what** _ **really**_ **happened at work.'**

It was almost 6:30 pm. If he was going to be home in time for dinner, he needed to get going.

"Captain! We found out about the woman!" Yamazaki saluted Okita. He hurried to the computer to pull up the right documents. "It's, um, I don't think it's correct though."

"Why isn't it correct?" Sougo fumed. What was taking them so long?

"We changed the video from night vision back to normal. We enlarged it and tried to get the pixels to – "

"What's the result?"

"Well… we ran the picture through the possible Chinese agencies, both government enlisted and black listed. There were no matches there."

The woman wasn't from China, huh? But dressed as a Chinese. Now that was interesting. And was Yamazaki ever going to get to the point? Maybe if he pointed a bazooka at his face – yeah, that might work.

"So we ran it through the agencies around here first and w-we found an m-match."

There was nothing after that. Sougo glowered. " _And?"_

Yamazaki eeped. "Um. Your wife."

Okita stilled at that. "What about Kagura? What happened?"

Did the rival somehow find out about his identity? Did she find out about his wife and was currently holding her hostage somewhere in Prague, Czech Republic? Was Kagura –

"She – the rival, that is – _looks_ like your wife."

What? He couldn't had possibly heard that. Was it a mistake? There's no way _Kagura_ was an assassin. The mere notion of it was ridiculous. She worked with old people, for goodness sake.

Still, he remained calm and asked, "Kagura? Are you sure?"

"That's what I was saying. I mean, it could just be someone who looked like her, you know. They say there's 7 other people in the world who look exactly like you. If we took some time to search the whole world, I'm sure the – the r-real rival will s-show up. That woman could be – "

Okita tuned him out. The way Yamazaki eyes were downcast and his hands twitching was answer enough.

Sougo peered at the screen. Now that the colors were back on and everything was much more clear, he could see the red in midst of greens and browns. And the shit thing on her head was… a bun.

Kagura's buns.

A shiver ran down his spine.

This was reality. It really was Kagura. No one else would wear buns like that. Red hair, blue eyes and a Chinese dress? Sure. Maybe it was just luck.

But those things that covered her hair? No way.

Okita didn't even know what those things were!

Kagura had something about it being a tradition in Chinese culture (or was it just in her family?) and how she wanted to continue it. He hadn't seen anyone else in China wearing those things.

He made sure his voice was steady. "So it's Kagura."

Yamazaki eeped again. "We're not exactly sure _sure_ that it's your wife. We could go back to the area and find blood samples if needed. We'll have to make sure it's from the exact spot but I think – "

"Yamazaki."

" – it'll be pretty easy to find. There should be traces of bullets on the road and the wreckage from the bazooka should be easy – "

"Yamazaki."

" – to find. We'll collect a few dirt samples from the area – I mean, she should have sustained some injuries, right? She was hit with a bazooka, after all. So there should be some blood there and we can use that to really identify who she is. Because – "

"Yamazaki. If you don't shut your goddamn mouth right now, I'll replace your spine with a badminton racket and beat you with your spine," Sougo calmly said as if he was just making a grocery list.

"Yes, Captain." Yamazaki gave a salute and then was out of his sight.

Now, about this… situation. How was he going to handle this?

He could go to the house armed, take her out before she knew it. But who was to say she didn't know about him too? He _did_ shoot a bazooka at her (and a small part of him was proud that _his_ _wife_ had good enough reflexes to dodge it).

He had to look at it from all angles. It would be safer to go into enemy territory armed (or was it also the home turf? It was also his house, after all) but if they were discovered… no, he was definitely going in armed. If he needed more weapons, he'll have to figure out how he was going to maneuver around the house to get his hidden weapons. And fend off Kagura at the same time.

How hard can that be?

He also had to be ready. Just because Kagura was his wife didn't mean he was going to go easy on her (and certainly not the opposite; Kagura wouldn't back down just because he was her 'husband'). She was now to be thought of as competition, someone who could possibly be a criminal and kill him. She could be working for the enemy for all he knew. Just because they had the same target did not mean that she (and whatever organization she was working on) was helping them.

All sympathizing thoughts for Ka – no, the _rival_ – should be erased.

Next: should he immediately attack her? He wasn't sure if she knew yet or what action she would take. Would she pretend nothing happened and later spring an attack? Or would she immediately dive in? Okita could see no way to avoid a fight. She was eventually going to find out and it was inevitable that they were going to slaughter each other.

Sougo frowned at that. It was inevitable _but_ he'd rather not fight just yet…

No, he had to be ready for an attack or a not-attack. He would act accordingly. If she wasn't going to immediately fight him, he'll try to find out more about what group she was affiliated with, whether or not she was an immediate threat etc. If she did, he'll have to attack back with his all and either knock her out to bring back to Headquarters or kill on spot.

And to think he was just going to have dinner with her.

He'll be needing… he could leave his sword in his car. It would be a shame not to confront her with his best weapon but he had never openly wore the sword before. It wouldn't be as odd, considering the fact that there are still some people in Edo who wore swords openly. There were also some who wore a bokken. He _could_ say it was a decoration piece he got from a thrift shop…

A Desert Eagle seemed like a good start. He couldn't very well bring home a machine gun or bazooka, could he? Maybe he'll bring the Glock G-21SF too.

Hijikata's smoke-dried voice cut through his planning. "Sougo."

"What it is, Hijikata-san? Would you like me to throw you off the Terminal?" Okita turned and blinked.

"Look, I heard about what happened and – "

"Hijikata-san, whatever you have to say, make it fast. I have a rival to confront and make sure she doesn't ruin the next mission," the russet eyed drawled.

"How are you handling this?"

Sougo paused then reached for the extra magazines on the shelf. "How do you think I'm handling this?"

He heard the Vice Commander sighed that sigh – the one that sounded like an old man trying to breath out his long suffering all at once, the one that always got Okita hopeful that Hijikata would drop dead then. "Sougo. I-I want you to at least think about this thoroughly. She's your _wife_. You – "

"Hijikata-san. Are you done?" He studied the grenade shaped as a lighter. No good. He never carried a lighter around with him before.

But, hmm… what if he made a grenade as a mayonnaise shaped lighter? That could work… it might finally be bye-bye Hijikata-san.

Okita filed that idea away for later.

"Sougo. Think about this carefully. You married her. I-I – j-just – don't make the same m-mistake as I did, okay? I – "

 _Oh_ , so this was what it was about. Just because the mayonnaise bastard didn't try to pursue his – who the fuck does Hijikata think _he_ is, trying to give away love advice like this? He's not even fucking married! He could have been but – Sougo took a deep calming breath.

"Hijikata-san?" He took aim at the man's head. Hijikata cursed violently and dived to the side.

The bullet whizzed past by a hair's breadth and lodged itself into a computer, effectively shutting it down. At his desk, Kumanaku (and his mole) yelped.

Damn, Hijikata got away. Again.

* * *

 _Okay, here's chapter two. I don't even know. This is all just random right now and things might not add up with what I write later on... I'll just fix it as I go. You should probably just read it when it's completed (though when that will be is debatable). Also, I have no idea how spy/assassin/tech stuff work and am really just trying to sound professional right now. Hopefully my BS-ing is working... I warned you though. Hopefully they're all in character and follows the plot of Gintama (what plot?) and Mr. and Mrs. Smith._

 _Feedback is always appreciated! Thanks for reading._


	3. Chapter 3

**After 'negotiations after 'a desperate attempt to get them to do** _ **it**_ **(and no, not that kind of** _ **it**_ **)'** _ **.**_

"What is this, Gin-chan?" Kagura furrowed her brows as she tried to make sense of the scene in front of her.

Okay… they were in the Yorozuya living room. She and the Sadist were on one couch – and not the one with the better view of the T.V., mind you – and there were Shinpachi and… the other Shinpachi – the Shinsengumi version of Shinpachi. What was his name again? Yama – Yawa – Yaza – ah! Jimmy! That was it. He was Jimmy.

Or something like that.

And according to Gin-chan, they were supposed to be having their marriage therapy. But there was no therapist… just the two plainest people she knew sitting in front of her.

Gintoki scratched his head sheepishly. "We-ell, Kagura-chan. We _were_ going to hire a therapist for you two but then they said I have to pay for your half too and you know, we're broke becauseGin-chanaccidentallysortofspentitallinthecasino _sooo_ we – "

" _You_ ," Hijikata interjected.

" – decided that the best solution was to have the most ordinary people like Shinpachi and uhh – Jam? Yam? Yeast? – _this guy_ here stand in as therapists."

"Yamazaki," the man in question spoke up.

"Right. Takoyaki."

" _Gin-chan_ ," Kagura hissed, promising pain and agony for later. "You set me up for cheap therapy – which I don't need, by the way – with Shinpachi and Jimmy because you lost your assets through gambling?"

"It's Yamazaki."

"Not everyone can have their assets attached to them, China," Okita drawled, sliding a glance at the woman beside him. "Not that they're that valuable."

The redhead turned to the man so fast she almost got whiplashed. " _You_. You shut up or I'll rip _your_ assets off, yes? I'm talking to Gin-chan here."

"At least my assets are made of gold."

"Oi, oi. Gin-chan's assets are also made of gold," the silver haired protested.

Hijikata snorted. "No, they're silver."

A moment of silence settled over the room at the quip. Then Sougo grinned.

" _You_ would know, wouldn't you, Hijikata-san."

Gintoki gagged and stepped away from the dark haired man.

The Vice Commander spluttered and turned red. "OI! I didn't say anything like that! J-JOKE! It was a-a joke! I c-can't make jokes now?! W-we are not – I-I wouldn't w-with that g-guy and – "

"Oi, Sadist. Are you trying to ruin my dinner with Gin-chan and Pachi? Now when I see them together," she gestured violently at their two superiors, "I'm going to hurl, uh-huh."

"Like the dinner wasn't already ruined by your crappy cooking," Okita shot back.

"Kagura-chan, Okita-san, please," Shinpachi sighed heavily. "If you keep arguing, we'll never get this started."

"He's right, Captain! It would be more efficient to start the session now than to wait 5 more minutes," Yamazaki cut in, enthusiastically nodding.

"Yamazaki, I'm going to shove a shuttlecock down your throat and gut you with the wires from your favorite badminton racket if you don't shut up."

"Actually, the term is 'strings' not 'wires'."

"Jimmy, shut up," Kagura snapped. They sat and looked at each other in silence.

"Boss, why are there two therapists?" Okita asked, turning around to face the man in question.

"Because it's easier to compromise and this way, it won't look like one side was trying to extort information out of the other," Hijikata answered.

"I wasn't asking you, Hijikata-san. Go commit seppuku now."

"What Mayora said," Gintoki nodded. "Plus this way, when you guys decide to go for the therapist, you'll each have a target and both sides will lose one agent each. Fair, right?"

"Gin-san! We're just sacrificial pawns then!" Shinpachi slammed his hand on the table.

"Eh, I wouldn't say you're a _pawn_ , Shinpachi. Maybe a bishop?" The silver haired paused, then waved his hand flippantly. "No, no, that's too high of a rank. Like… what was that one… ah! Rook! You're a rook, Shinpachi!" The man nodded to himself in satisfaction.

"That's just one rank above the pawn! And we're still sacrificial, aren't we?" the bespectacled man pointed accusingly at his boss.

"Eh, details, details."

* * *

 **After…** _ **something**_ **(also, in which Kagura wear's Okita's jacket).**

"What the fuck is that?" Okita pointed towards the huge lump of white at near the entrance.

"It's Sadaharu, uh-huh," Kagura replied, giving him a 'duh' face like it was common sense to know what a Sadaharu was. She petted the thing, his jacket riding up as she raised her arms (come to think of it, why was she still wearing his jacket? He expected her to change by now).

He stared then turned to glare at the others in the room. The white haired man – Gintoki – raised an eyebrow. Hijikata stared sullenly at the door.

"It's a dog," the glasses wearing man said, still typing into his laptop. Shinpachi, was it?

"It's not a dog. It's a highly trained, fur shedding, shape shifting, strawberry milk stealing, head crushing lump of useless metal." Gintoki glared at Sadaharu. The huge white tail thumped twice on the floorboards as the _thing_ panted.

So… a Sadaharu was a mechanical dog? Or was it a dog with attached metal plates from previous surgical operations?

Shinpachi sighed and corrected. "It's a robot dog."

"Sadaharu's not useless, Gin-chan," Kagura pouted.

Wait a minute…

"Oi, China. When you said you wanted to bring home a dog, you meant _this_ thing?" Okita poked at Sadharu's nose. He barely managed to get his head out from the fangs that followed.

The redhead sniffed. "Of course. What else would I be talking about?"

Sougo was glad he never agreed to get a dog. The body alone took up the space of a king sized bed. Even letting the thing live on the (now ruined) lawn would result in the grass being covered with shit.

"Alright. Enough about the thing. Let's get down to business," Hijikata, the killjoy that he was, ended their conversation.

"It's not a thing!" Kagura indignantly shouted. "It's Sadaharu the 27th, the best dog in the world, uh-huh!"

"Hello," Yamazaki greeted as he walked in with Kondo.

"Have a seat," the bespectacled man gestured towards the couches.

Only Yamazaki moved to sit. Gintoki and Hijikata maintained a stare-off near the door while Kagura and Sougo argued over whether or not a robot dog had the right to maintain the status of 'best dog in the world'.

Because, obviously, masochistic girls were the best dogs in the world.

Kondo cleared his throat. "Toushi, Sougo. Let's go sit. We're guests here so we should behave like i – "

"Shin-chan. Are you in there? You didn't come home for dinner so I got – " Otae opened the door only to stop and stare.

"Wait, is that… It is! Otae-san!" The Commander launched himself towards the woman with tears of joy streaming from his eyes.

"Kondo-san?" Hijikata's cigarette dropped from him mouth. Okita could only watch as his commander shamelessly flew through the air – just to fly back to the exact same spot after the unknown woman hit him.

"Aneue. What are you doing here?"

The brown haired woman didn't answer and only whipped out a spear from who-knows-where, crossed the room and pointed it at Kondo's stubble.

"Gorilla-san, would you be so kind to explain why you are here?" The woman's voice was saccharine.

"O-Otae-san. I-I – "

The woman's smile grew but her eyes stayed closed. It might've left him with shivers if Okita was a lesser man.

She raised the spear. "Die."

He didn't know who this woman was or if she was really Four-Eye's sister but she was an immediate threat to the Commander and that was a no-go.

Sougo moved.

He drew his sword and rested it lightly on the woman's shoulder. The woman stopped. "I know Kondo-san is an idiot gorilla and probably sexually harassed you before but if you would be so kind to remove the spear from your gras – "

"Oi, Sadist. What are you doing to Anego?" He felt the cold barrel of the redhead's umbrella against his head.

Anego? Was she part of the Yorozuya? He thought it was only a three man team.

"Mrs. Okita – " Hijikata started as he drew his sword.

"Don't call me that," Kagura hissed, jabbing a little at the back of Sougo's head.

The dark haired man ignored her and continued. "As much as I would love to get rid of Sougo and his daily attempts to murder me, it would be – "

"Hey, didn't your mother ever tell you to not shove pointy things in other people's faces?" Gintoki lazily tapped his bokken against Hijikata's cheek.

"Bastard! What are you – " Hijikata immediately turned his sword towards the silver haired.

" _Aneue._ " At Shinapchi's insistence, his sister straightened up and returned her spear to who-knows-where.

Okita dropped his sword and felt the cold barrel also disappear from his head. Hijikata glanced over and dropped his sword and Gintoki did the same.

The silver haired plopped himself down on his chair. "So, how do you two know each other?"

Otae scowled. "This," she gestured to Kondo, "is Gorilla-san."

"Eh? Gorilla-san?" Kagura perked up.

Why was she so happy hearing 'Gorilla-san'? …and she should really go change her clothes.

Okita spoke through gritted teeth. "His name is Kondo Isao, not Gorilla."

She ignored him. "You mean the guy that has been stalking you for 2 weeks?"

Wait, what? Was this woman the one that Kondo-san had been gushing about? Was she the most beautiful, angelic, nicest, smile-like-sunshine cabaret girl?

Kondo sheepishly grinned. "Ah, it's actually 2 weeks and 3 days now."

Okita shot his commander a look. Seriously. That guy was hopeless.

"Yes, _that_ Gorilla," Otae brushed past to sit on the couch.

Gintoki let out an off tune whistle. "Damn, when they said the world was small, I didn't think it'd be _this_ small. Me meeting Mayora in a convenience store, Souchirou-kun and Kagura-chan being married and now, the Demon Kin – Queen and the Gorilla?"

"It's Sougo."

"Now why are Gorilla and his accomplices here in the middle of the night?" Otae asked.

Shinpachi gave her a brief summary of how the two organizations ended up with the same target and after a brief scuffle-slash-negotiation between Gintoki and Hijikata, they decided to work together as a team.

Otae kept smiling that unnerving. "So Gorilla and his monkeys are part of the Shinsengumi. Hmm. I heard Kagura-chan got injured because of you guys. Now, which one of you piece of shits shot Kagura-chan with a bazooka?" She looked straight at Yamazaki. "Was it you? Did you shoot Kagura-chan with a bazooka? It was you, wasn't it? You have that look of a bastard who shot a bazooka at a woman."

"Eh? I – "

The woman tilted her head. "Wait, I've seen you before. Just the other day… weren't you playing Kabaddi with a group of men in the neighborhood?"

"Yamazaki!" Hijikata kneed him in the face. "Is that where you were at when you ditched practice? Seppuku for you!"

"Vice Commander!" Yamazaki cried, clutching his nose.

Okita scowled. Like Yamazaki could even lift a bazooka. "That would be me."

"Eh?" The woman shifted to look directly at him. "You are Bazooka Man?"

He raised an eyebrow at her.

"But… aren't you Kagura's husband? Okita-san, was it?" She looked at his and the redhead's attire and gave him a pointed look as if to say 'you shoot her with a bazooka, fought with her and only gave her your jacket?'

Tch. Like he was going to apologize. And China seriously needed to go change into _actual clothes_.

Kagura growled beside him. " _Ex_ -husband. We are currently trying to kill each other."

Otae's hands flew to cover her gasp. Sougo snorted. Like the woman wasn't just trying to kill Kondo-san.

"In a _truce_ in the middle of killing each other," Gintoki corrected. "We are currently in the middle of an operation so if you'll please." He gestured towards the open door.

"My, my, Gin-san. That's not so nice. I have been part of an operation before, you know. Because you asked, in fact," Shinpachi's sister subtly threatened the silver haired.

"Nee-san, you're part of the Yorozuya?" How was that possible? Yamazaki clearly said the Yorozuya was a three man mercenary group that took on jobs of varying degrees. They were pretty successful though there were jobs that failed. There had been no mention of other members.

"I'm not your nee-san. I have no intention of getting close to that Gorilla. Unless it's to kill him, of course. And I was part of Diamond Perfume."

"Oh sure. Just tell them how you took down a bunch of perverted creeps, kind of tried to wipe out other organizations and make them join you before disbanding. Why don't we mention the cat burglar and the retired Deva of Kabukicho downstairs while we're at it?!" Gintoki muttered to himself.

Deva of Kabukicho? Cat burglar? Now this was interesting.

"Gin-san. No one mentioned Otose-san and Catherine-san except for you," Shinpachi gave his boss the I-am-so-done-with-you look.

"Eh? Diamond Perfume?" Yamazaki perked up at the name.

"Yup, yup. The group that eliminated Sorachi Hideaki and made us all come to this AU. That's the group," Gintoki nodded to himself as he picked his nose.

"Gin-san! Don't go around telling lies," Shinpachi admonished.

"Tae-chan?"

"Oh for fuck's sake. Is that who I think it is?" the silver haired groaned, burying his face into his hands. "It's the middle of the night, people! Learn to stay the fuck away! Visiting hours are over."

"Kyuu-chan. How nice of you to visit."

"Tae-chan. I-I," the man with the eyepatch fidgeted. "I saw you in the streets and – I just saw you coming over so I thought – "

"Hey, hey. That's just stalking, isn't it?" Kagura muttered under her breath.

"Eh? Isn't that Yagyuu Kyuubei?" Kondo furrowed his brows.

Okita titled his head. Why did the Yorozuya have connections with Yagyuu Kyuubei? Weren't they supposed to be a no name ragtag band of misfits? What exactly was going on?

"What?" the one eye narrowed towards the Commander.

"ARGH!"

Everyone jumped and looked at Gintoki.

"Look, it's nice of you to visit but we really have too many characters here – plus, like Gin-san mentioned before, in the middle of the freaking night! This place is getting cramped and no one's getting direct attention, okay? It's hard enough to juggle 7 characters plus one robot dog without you coming in with your un-constructed Tower of Babel. You two." He pointed towards Otae and Kyuubei. "Shoo! This scene takes up way too much space here. Mayora over there had been forgotten and I bet no one even remembered he was in this scene."

"Why do you care so much about Hijikata-san being forgotten, Boss?" Okita smirked, unable to resist the teasing.

"I don't! He can die for all I care!" Gintoki protested.

"Well then," Otae stood and brushed off imaginary dust. "Since _someone_ was so adamant about this, Kyuu-chan and I will be taking our leave. Shin-chan, Kagura-chan, take care, okay? I wouldn't trust people with natural perms." She smiled as she led Yagyuu out.

"You have no idea what it's like to live as a natural perm! I'm telling you, it ain't a walk in Parfait Land."

Shinpachi's sister ignored the silver haired and instead stepped towards Okita. Does she ever drop that smile?

"I would sleep with one eye open tonight, if I were you. After all, Kagura-chan might know 87 ways to kill a man with her umbrella but she's still a delicate lady. A delicate lady with many brothers and sisters who watch out for her, _ex_ -husband Okita-san."

Okita maintained eye contact (or rather stared at her eyelids since they were closed). "China's not made of porcelain, nee-san."

* * *

 **A thoroughly desperate attempt at getting the Okitas to do** _ **it**_ **(and again, not in** _ **that**_ **way).**

"Now that Gin-san, Sadaharu, Hijikata-san and Kondo-san have all left, we'll start with some average marriage therapy questions," Shinpachi started, bringing out some flashcards.

"Wait, wait. How did you come up with these questions, yes?" Kagura asked. Why would Shinpachi know what marriage therapy questions were like?

Shinpachi and Yamazaki glanced at each other. The badminton-lover started in a high pitched voice. "We – uh – we sort of went on the internet and looked through the first two websites?"

Beside her, Okita sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "How many questions are there?"

"20," Shinpachi answered. "We read through some questions from each site and combined the list."

"Ah, fair enough," her soon-to-be-ex-husband sighed and gave her a sideways glance. "Let's get this over with, say it was unsuccessful and resume killing each other, shall we?"

"You mean, me killing you,' Kagura glared back.

"Oookay," Shinpachi bit his lip nervously. He glanced over to the flashcards. "Question 1: Do you worry that your marriage is headed in the wrong direction?"

Kagura wrinkled her nose. What was there to talk about? That… _thing_ had curved out of the road and started travelling towards Death Valley since day one. "You mean aside from this whole wanting-to-kill-each-other-but-can't-because-of-Gin-chan-forcing-us-not-to thing?"

"Erm, okay. Next question!" Yamazaki exclaimed loudly as if that could help dispel the awkward silence. "Is there a significant secret that you've kept from your spouse?"

"Yamazaki," Sougo drawled, eyes flashing. "That one should be obvious. I'm the Captain of the 1st Division in Shinsengumi and she's the Yorozuya's… Chinese fighter girl thingy." He waved his fingers around at the word 'thingy'.

"I work at the Yorozuya," Kagura seethed. She wasn't _just_ a 'Chinese fighter girl thingy'. She was _Kagura_ , Gin-chan's basically adopted daughter. "Unlike you tax robbers, who has to work under the government, we have free reign and are not subjected to social hierarchy so we don't have ranks."

"Big words for someone with shit on their head."

"They're ox horns! It's a hair style, uh-huh. Chun Li had them!"

"Oh, China's finally showing her true copycat-colors."

"So, that question was pretty obvious, huh?" Yamazaki remarked.

Shinpachi sighed. "Next question! Any destructive behavior from you or your spouse that could lead to the ruin of your relationship?"

The couple paused in their fighting and glanced over. Kagura settled back down onto her side of the couch. "Who comes up with these questions?"

"The internet," her colleague deadpanned. "We should've chosen better questions."

"You don't say," the redhead rolled her eyes. With the way Shinpachi was always rational and cool headed (well, mostly), she expected him to be… well, not _dumb_ like this. Maybe the Shin-shin's Jimmy guy was a bad influence.

With a flourish, she pointed at Okita. "Destructive behavior? This guy tried to kill me, uh-huh."

"You tried to kill me too, China. Don't play the victim. It's unbecoming."

The nerve of that guy. Like she was _playing_ a victim. She'd never play a victim if she could help it.

"You're the one who shot me with a bazooka first!"

Sougo paused at that then smirked. "Well, that's true. But all's fair in love and war, _China_."

Oh, he was so going to get it. She raised her foot.

"Please don't fight! We really want to get out of here alive," Yamazaki begged. He hurriedly fumbled for a flashcard. "Question 4: Do you want a divorce?" He immediately scrunched up the card. "That's the dumbest question ever."

Kagura silently agreed.

"Question 5: Are you two just going through a bad phase?" Shinpachi cut in.

"What really entitles a 'bad phase'? That would be my question, Glasses," Okita challenged.

The bespectacled man sighed long and heavily. "Okita-san, please. We don't want to do this more than you do. Just answer the question. Or give something remotely close to an answer."

Kagura chewed her lip thoughtfully before she answered quietly. "I think we don't have a phase. We never had a phase. We never really knew about each other so whatever _phase_ we had was a lake."

"Eh?" Yamazaki tilted his head as if trying to figure out some code. What was so hard to understand?

"Kagura-chan, the word is 'fake'. 'Fake' not 'lake'."

Oh.

The sandy haired shifted in his seat. "Then I would say that we were always like this. Or would've been like this if we really known each other. The… whole two years of marriage was when we went through a good phase."

"It's three."

"What?"

"It's three years, you bastard. Three years of marriage," the redhead growled. How dare that lying tax robber forget? She had to live with him for 3 effing years and –

"China – "

Seeing a fight about to break out, Shinpachi hurriedly interrupted. "It's actually 2 years and 7 months – "

"And about 19 days," Yamazaki gave his two cents.

" – so both of you are wrong."

"What did you say?" The couple towered over the bespectacled man, murder in their eyes.

"I meant, both of you are slightly off by a few months. Just slightly," Shinpachi avoided their gazes and stared intently at the table.

"Tch, that's what I thought."

The redhead got herself comfortable again. "You know, Pachi – and Jimmy – if I didn't know you, that would've been very cree – actually no. It's still very creepy that you know how long we've been married for."

* * *

 _Hey. I'm not dead..._

 _Just wanted you guys to know, I will still be working (or at least trying) to work on this and all my other stories too. I got really swamped with my schoolwork since I took quite a few subjects that were really time consuming. I'm on break right now so I have a bit of time to work on this._

 _Hope you guys enjoy this one! Sorry that it took so long though. Thanks for reading and as always, feedback is appreciated._


	4. Chapter 4

**After after what really happened at work.**

 _Ring._

"Kagura, if you have some time, can you come by the house?"

"Okay, Pachi. Lemme just finish up here then."

"Alright."

 _Click._

"So? What is it?" Kagura asked as she took off her boots.

"I think I found who Bazooka Man is," Shinpachi announced solemnly.

Confused at Shinpachi's act, Kagura turned to the other man. "Gin-chan? You know who it is?"

"Eh?" the silver haired picked his nose. He shrugged. "Nope. I just came back a while ago."

"The pachinko again?" she narrowed her eyes.

"No, no. Not at all." Gintoki hurriedly defended.

"You know Mother doesn't like it when you lie." She settled on the couch. "But I'll let it go this time. Come on Pachi. Who's Bazooka Man?"

"Well, I was examining the missile and found out that it was from an AT4, or more specifically, a Pansarskott m/86. It's a lightweight bazooka, one time use only. It's pretty common for militaries to use it."

"Pachi," Kagura interrupted in a flat voice. "I don't give a damn if the bazooka was a Pansasasa or a Pandadada. Just tell me who it was."

"I called in a favor from Katsura-san to help me investigate – "

Gintoki held out a hand. "Wait, wait, wait. Zura? Like, long haired, obsessed with large white ducks Zura? The one who dressed up as Zurako?"

"Yes, Paako. Katsura-san."

"And you called in a favor?"

"Yes…."

"Was that favor the one that I got because I helped Elizabeth get to that prison with that huge ass drill and he kinda-but-not-really managed to escape? Was it that one?"

"Gin-san, I think that's the only favor that he owes us right now."

Gintoki cradled his head in his hands. "Ugh. And to think I was going to use that to make Zura go out and get me a strawberry parfait when a zombie apocalypse comes. Shinpachi!"

He was immediately hit on the head simultaneously.

"Gin-san! Kagura's safety or Katsura-san getting you a parfait! Which is more important?!"

"Gin-chan! What are you going to do when I can't fall asleep because a zombie Zura keeps asking me strawberries to make your parfait?!"

Gintoki groaned into his desk. "But… _my parfait_."

Shinpahci cleared his throat. "Right. So I asked Katsura-san for any recent purchases of Pans – the bazooka and was given a list, 6 months before now. I ran a search for flights from Japan to Chengdu – because I highly suspect that Bazooka Man must've been from Edo. Other countries aren't targeted by the Kiheitai and thus, none of them have done anything to stop the Kiheitai yet. I ran a search through recent flight lists and compared it to the list of bazooka purchasers. And I found a match."

"Bazooka Man," Gintoki said with a note of finality.

The bespectacled man confirmed. "Bazooka Man." He took a deep breath. "Kagura-chan, I'm terribly sorry to inform you that – that your husband, Okita Sougo, is the Bazooka Man."

Cue dramatic music, pan to Kagura's face, fade to black and fade back in.

"My what is a what?" the redhead stared at Shinpachi incoherently.

"Okita-san is Bazooka Man. As in a man who owns a bazooka. That he shot you with, not a week ago," the man slowly explained.

"Pachi, let me see those lists. There's gotta be a mistake," she held out her hand for the documents. Gintoki settled himself on the couch beside her.

Shinpachi handed them over. "It's no mistake, Kagura-chan. It's right there, highlighted in yellow. Okita Sougo."

"This can't be right." She squinted at the print, re-reading the line over and over again. "Sougo left for a business trip in Shanghai, …China," Kagura raised her head in realization. "Chengdu is in China. Sougo was in China. _I_ was in China."

"That fucking bastard. The little shit. And to think I thought he was actually okay. Okita-fucking-Sofa," Gintoki growled under his breath, cracking his knuckles.

"It's Sougo," Kagura reminded. "Fucking Sougo. That – that Sadist! I'll kill him, uh-huh! He shoots a bazooka at me, I take his life." She slammed the papers back onto the table. "Pachi, you might want to get a body bag ready."

She stood up and grabbed her umbrella. Sadaharu opened one eye to watch her.

"Add a couple of fake passports, an incinerator and maybe tickets to… where was that place you went and chilled out with macadamia nuts again? Hawaii? The Bahamas sounds good too," Gintoki added. He smirked. "And don't waste money on a body bag. We don't have that much money to spare. A garbage bag will be fine."

"Gin-chan, Sougo's not going to fit in a garbage bag," Kagura reminded.

He ruffled her hair. "Gin-chan will just have to make him fit, won't he?"

* * *

 **A thoroughly desperate attempt at getting the Okitas to do** _ **it**_ **(and again, not in** _ **that**_ **way): Part 2**

"Question 6: How often do you have s – " Shinpachi cut himself off, going red. "Never mind."

"No, I would like to hear the rest of the question," Okita smirked at the man. He was going to enjoy – no, _revel_ in the other's discomfort.

"It's says, how often do you have sex, Captain," Yamazaki read out. "We – uh – we don't really need to, if you're not comfortable answering. It's just a question to figure out if you guys are… intimate." His eyes flicked back and forth between Okita and Kagura before lifting upwards to stare at the wood planking.

There was a pause. Even Sougo doesn't know how to answer the question. "I don't understand the question. Perhaps Glasses-san can explain it to me?"

Shinpachi blushed even harder. Okita didn't even know ears could be that red. "I-I think you know, Okita-san."

"Well, _I_ don't understand the question either, uh-huh," Kagura announced loudly.

"Yes, how are we measuring _it_ ," Sougo cut a glance towards his wife. "Are we talking about how many times we do _it_ in one day?"

Gagging from the woman ensued. He ignored it.

"One week?"

More gagging.

"One month? The whole of our… marriage?"

He was entirely unsurprised when Kagura gave the mother of all dry gags in his direction. No projectile came out, fortunately. He continued undeterred.

"Are we rating it from 1 to 10? Is 1 the least and 10 the most? Or is it vice versa? Is 0 counted? 0 technically isn't really a number – it's nothing and that's really more of a concept like infinity."

"O-Okita-san, I think t-that – " Shinpachi managed to stammer out.

"Are we rating in stars? Like 5 stars mean a lot? What kind of stars are they? Are they white? Are they blue? Or are they orange or red – you know, one of those stars that are close to going supernova on us."

"I would like to rate in supernovas. You know, so when they explode, they make more of an impact and that makes your rating have more of an impact than others," Kagura declared. "And maybe, during the explosion, _someone_ will be hit and die too." She pointedly narrowed her eyes towards him.

"Someone meaning you?" the man coolly replied. "I would like to rate in white stars. Because they are the hottest. And that would mean that they can out-burn everything. Especially supernovas-loving Chinese women."

"Supernovas would create a black hole that'll suck all the light out of your – I mean, a small white star. No matter how hot it is," the redhead sniffed.

Seeing a fight about to break out (and the subject successfully changed), Yamazaki announced. "Next question! Did your significant other ever physically or emotionally lose control?"

The couple glanced at each other before facing forward again.

Okita listed off. "She cries uncontrollably when her favorite character dies and gets angry when the T.V. show doesn't work out like 'it's supposed to'. She once broke the lawn mower because it wasn't starting up and she threw it onto the sidewalk."

"Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can hear him doing push-ups and other exercises for no apparent reason."

"It's called exercise."

"He kicked down the bedroom door once… because he heard me crying about the hero's best friend's death. He once locked himself in the bathroom, turned on the shower and cried after watching a Korean drama with me," Kagura turned her nose in the air.

"I never did that," Okita protested. He _did not_ cry because of a Korean drama, no matter how sad the ending might've been….

She blinked at him. "Right. And I'm actually a male who hates sukunbo."

"Well, you never know," he muttered to himself and earned a sharp elbow to his ribs.

"Next question!" Shinapchi announced louder than necessary. "Do you sense you and your spouse are growing apart or living parallel lives?"

"What kind of question is that? A yes or no? Or…" Kagura tilted her head, brows furrowing.

"I would say… living parallel lives. Even though those lives meet at one point," Okita replied softly. Kagura didn't say anything back but silently, she agreed.

"Are you unable to discuss your concerns or your feelings?" Yamazaki frowned at the question. "Well, that one would be pretty obvious. Both of your jobs requires secrecy and we _do_ have rules forbidding you to reveal anything… Do you feel disrespected by your significant other?"

"No," they both chorused.

"Well… she _did_ steal my pudding last time."

"Only because you forgot to buy me sukunbo when you came back, uh-huh."

"Do you find yourself regularly thinking about another person?" Shinachi held his breath, waiting for the answer. When none came, he prompted. "Well? Are you going to answer?"

"Ladies first," Okita gestured with his hand, almost smacking the woman in the face.

She glared back. "No. I think trying to kill someone, survive, and what to cook for dinner is enough to keep the mind cluttered, yes?"

He let out a breath that he hadn't known he'd been holding. He answered truthfully. "I have no use for… irritating thoughts like that. Interrogating criminals is a mind workout itself." Okita eyed his wife for her reaction and only found the back of her head facing him.

"Do you think that with some effort, your marriage could be better?" This time Yamazaki and Shinapchi stared at them with those plain looking eyes.

The couple froze and stared into opposite directions. Kagura shifted slightly in her seat and bit her lip. Sougo blinked and clenched his hand.

What kind of question was _that_?

Finally, Okita found it in him to form the words. "No comment."

"What he said." The redhead paused. "Wait, we can say no comment in this session?"

"Kagura-chan, it's not like we're forcing you to say 'yes' or 'no'. You could've just ignored the questions," the bespectacled man pointed out. "Though your answers were ambiguous enough anyway."

"What? No one specifically told me! That's not fair. I want a do over, uh-huh!"

* * *

 **The plan that** _ **did not**_ **include breaking windows**

"We've got news. Kawakami has booked a room at the Jade Lotus hotel," Shinpachi reported, bursting into the room. "I called the Shinsengumi over for the mission."

Kagura lazily flipped over to her stomach on the couch and continued watching the T.V. "Okay."

"Kagura-chan! Gin-san! You guys should at least look presentable for the guests." Gintoki looked up from his Jump, one finger up his nose.

"What guests? Those are tax robbers. Tax robbers, I say, not guests," Kagura scoffed. "I've lived with one of them for the past three years."

"I hope you're not talking about Hijikata-san. Otherwise, I might really have to kill him. Actually, let's get to it right away." Kagura looked back to the doorway to see Okita drawing his sword behind Shinpachi.

Hijikata scowled beside her husband (in name only). "Stop it, Sougo. We were called for a mission, not because I wanted to get murdered here."

"Yes, yes. Please don't get murdered or commit murder right now. Otherwise, we'd end up having a Mayora ghost roaming around here and the house is already small as it is," Gintoki stood up and walked towards them. "You guys are fast."

"We had a car with a siren. And Sougo drove," Hijikata said as if that was reason enough to show up 3 seconds after Shinpachi's announcement.

Kagura ignored the rest and focused on the sourness of the sukunbo in her mouth and the T.V. Until she felt herself getting crushed by an enormous weight, that is.

She tilted her head up to meet familiar russet eyes. She growled. "Bastard. If you don't get off right now, I'm going to – "

"Slap me with sukunbo?" he arched an eyebrow.

" _No_ , rip your head off." Dammit! And the show was just getting to the good point.

"No thanks. This couch has the better view of the T.V. Not my fault that you take up all space, China."

"Did you just call me fat?"

She raised herself to the push up position and glanced up again. Still sitting cross legged, the man impassively watched as her arms shook with effort under his weight. She turned her body sideways to dump the man's ass on the floor.

Okita titled forward before landing silently on his feet. He immediately had to bend his back to escape the sudden whirl of legs going for his neck. His back was now flat against the floor. Kagura smirked.

If she couldn't get him in a flying triangular choke hold, she'll just have to go for the next best, even if it lacked momentum she wanted.

The man's eyes widened a fraction as the woman's legs changed direction, coming down towards his stomach. He visibly cringed and took a deep breath, steeling himself for the impact.

She grinned, intending to feel bruised abdominal muscles under her feet.

It never came.

Instead, pain shot up her leg, thankfully not from the shins. Kagura has misjudged the position and instead of getting the kill, ended up crashing her legs on the table. At least her legs managed to avoid the vase.

She also noted that Shinpachi did a great job in picking out the coffee table. It was still intact after the impact (though how much longer it'll last was another matter). The observation was short lived as Okita's hands moved towards her legs.

Kagura quickly launched her legs back up, barely avoiding getting her legs captured. She had been intending to do a backflip over the couch but felt a presence behind her. She stopped short of hitting said presence in the face. Her abs protested at the sudden stop.

She was suddenly glad that she hadn't chosen to wear a qipao today, opting for a shirt and pants. The qipao would've fallen in her face and exposed her (well, even more than now; she was pretty sure the bottom strap of her bra was showing).

Kagura tilted her head back and met Gintoki's eyes. "Gin-chan!"

Okita stood up and took a look at the position. "The scorpion," he noted.

The redhead paused, taking in her options. With the silver haired and the sadist on both sides, she had nowhere to go – not unless she wanted her legs to crash into Gintoki's desk on the left. She wasn't sure if there was enough space on the couch to execute a cartwheel to the right. She didn't want to risk twisting an ankle because of a bad landing and collapsing in a heap to the right was simply out of question.

The sadist was proba – the sadist! She met his eyes. He was already messed up in the head. A little brain damage wouldn't hurt, would it?

Grinning, she swung her legs back up. Gaining momentum in this kind of situation was important. Difficult but important.

Her legs were stopped by a pair of strong hands.

"Kagura-chan," Gintoki tutted. "Let's refrain from kill each other for now. You're exposing your stomach to the cold." He heaved her up and threw her over his shoulder.

"It's not even cold," she protested. She had a really good shot! "It's probably the hottest day of the summer right now. A little stomach exposing won't hurt anyone."

Gintoki set her down on his desk before going to sit on the couch.

Okita glanced at her, eyes darkening. She jumped slightly. "Yes, it would."

"Ooo, jelly," the white haired grinned.

Jelly? What did jelly have to do with anything? Dammit, now she wanted to eat jelly… Kagura scowled as Sougo took a seat on the other couch.

Hijikata cut a glance towards her before taking a seat beside the uniformed man. Yamazaki, who she hadn't seen come in, sat next the Vice Commander.

"Kondo-san couldn't come today. He was busy with…," Sougo trailed off, eyes flicking to the door. "Commander stuff."

"So what is the information? If you called us because you were bored," Hijikata started.

"Jeez, Louise – though I'm not sure who this Louise is – calm down. Shinpachi, activate!" Gintoki flung an arm towards the man in question.

"Gin-san, please. I'm not a robot," he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Like I was saying, I found out that Kawakami booked a room at the Jade Lotus hotel. We could – "

"And where is Jade Lotus hotel?" Hijikata's coarse voice cut through.

Kagura frowned in thought. "Wait, wait. Who the hell is this Kawakawa guy?"

All heads turned to her in disbelief.

"My, China. I didn't think I hit your head _this_ hard with the bazooka," Okita muttered. "Didn't think you'd lose your memory."

"Shut up, Sadist. Who the Kawai?"

"Kawakami," Yamazaki corrected.

"That's what I said!" she insisted. "Who the hell are we talking about here? New target?"

Gintoki picked his nose and examined it. "No, it's the old target. The job isn't finished yet." He flicked it towards Hijikata who growled in return.

Old target… oh. "You mean Bandai?"

"Bansai," Shinpachi held up a finger. "And we thought we should formulate a plan to get Bansai."

"Wait, wait. Gin-chan, when you said I was to work with _him_ ," she pointed towards Okita, "you actually meant it?"

"Yeah. I don't say things I don't mean, you know."

"Yeah, you do. You promised me you'd buy me sukunbo instead of getting your parfait last Tuesday and what did you do? You ordered a Jumbo Strawberry with Jelly parfait. With _extra cream_ , uh-huh," Kagura narrowed her eyes at her boss.

"Yes well," Gintoki looked a lot like a boy who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "It – it's – when I said that – it's an adult thing. You wouldn't understand!"

"Gin-chan, I'm 22, not 14. That excuse stopped working years ago."

"The plan," Yamazaki reminded. "How are we getting in and killing him?"

"Well, I have an idea to get in. A really bad idea but an idea nonetheless," Shinpachi fiddled with his thumbs.

"Is it rappelling down the building and kicking the window?" Kagura asked excitedly. She had done that once and misjudged the strength of the glass. In the end, the window remained intact and the target got away. Not for long though. A week later, she found him in an arcade and finished him. And his Pac-Man game.

"Jade Lotus hotel sounds more like a rundown hotel. If that is true, it'd be easier to climb up to his room and break the window," Okita pointed out.

The redhead clicked her tongue. Killjoy. Rappelling was obviously better.

"Sit your asses down," Hijikata ordered.

"Our asses _are_ down, V-bangs," Kagura sneered.

"Figure of speech," the man waved the comment away. "Who said anyone was breaking windows?"

Both agents stared dumbly at him like there was no way else to go into a hotel other than a window.

"You two," Shinpachi pointed at the couple, "are going to go in as a couple and get a room." He ignored the indignant squawks of 'WHAT?!' and 'IMMA RIP YOUR BALLS OFF, GLASSES!' He continued, "After that, I'd suggest that you pretend you're room service – or just kick the door down – and dispatch Bansai."

"We are _not_ doing that," Sougo declared.

"What's wrong with breaking windows?" Kagura petulantly asked. There was no way she was going to pretend to be a couple with the sadist. Well, a couple currently going through a break up pretending to be a couple.

"And what's wrong with being a couple?" Gintoki countered, using his I'm-an-adult-so-my-reason-is-obviously-better voice.

"Gin-chan! It's wrong when I have to go into a hotel with _him_."

"Jeez, China. You've shared a bed with me for 2 years now. You're worried about going into a hotel with me?" Okita gave her a disbelieving look. "Not that I want to go with you."

"3. It's 3 years."

"Anyway," Yamazaki loudly declared, because they do not need to hear how the Okitas shared a bed for 2 to 3 years. "It would be easier to get a room – er, that is, to book a room and infiltrate the place."

"Well? Can you guys do it? We didn't have a therapy session for nothing," Hijikata asked.

Kagura's lip curled. That session _was_ for nothing. It wasn't even a proper session!

She glanced towards Sougo, only to see him looking back at her. "So?" he asked. "Think you can handle your… brutishness for one day?"

"Brutishness?" the redhead snapped. " _I'm_ not the one who's shooting bazookas at his wife."

"Well, I'm not the one trying to riddle her husband with bullet holes."

"You bastard. You wanna fight, yes?"

* * *

 _Heeeyyy! I'm back with a new chapter! Hopefully there are people still reading this, even though the parts are all mixed up... even I had some trouble finding which goes where._

 _It's been a long break... hoping that I didn't suddenly write these guys to be different. Some parts might sound weird though... I'm not sure._

 _Well, enjoy! Thanks for reading and feedback is always appreciated! (Even if it is just "Whhhhaaaat? I don't get what's going on here.")_


	5. Chapter 5

**_...something._**

Okita glanced around warily. They already had dinner and that had been fine, if not a little bit salty and had peas. Maybe the peas were a sign…

He felt the weight of the Desert Eagle pressing against him comfortably. It might've been a bit odd for him to wear a jacket over his button down shirt (he hadn't changed out of the Shinsengumi uniform save for the jacket, vest and tie) but then again, Kagura was wearing a long qipao – one of the sleeveless red ones with a tight chest and long slits that showed her legs. She usually changed into a pajamas or such by this time.

He tried not to get distracted and concentrated on the T.V. The dress was obviously designed to distract men and the long slits would give the woman a free range to use her legs. The long silk would hide any weapons that she could have strapped onto her legs.

It was a nice dress. It was also dangerous.

Sougo looked up from his seat as Kagura stood up. "I think I'm going to go shower." Her voice sounded strained and she was avoiding his eyes. She bit her lip and he was sure something was wrong.

Contrary to her words, Kagura made her way to the front. Something was definitely wrong. His hand reached inside his jacket. "Kagura?" he called.

A barrage of bullets answered him. He cursed and flipped the coffee table for cover. He withdrew his weapon. Sougo risked a peek over the furniture.

Kagura was standing in front of the doorway with her purple parasol pointed at him and… the tip smoking?

"I never knew that such a dangerous weapon was in the house," he drawled as he pointed the Desert Eagle at her.

She cocked a hip and Okita caught a glimpse of black boots under the swish of the silk. Those had not been there before. "And I didn't know my husband would be such a… _sadist_. A sadist who enjoys shooting bazookas at his cute, little, innocent wife, uh-huh."

He stared at her and saw her in a different light. The way she _really_ was – at least for now. Her blue eyes that frequently reminded him of a calm evening sky were now cold, hard sapphires. The dress that he thought suited her petite frame a bit too much flashed at him dangerously, the bright red warning him of danger.

Sougo pointedly stared at her chest. It was a nice view and judging from the niceness, she probably wasn't wearing a protector. Unless her bras had some special kind of protection. "I don't know about cute or innocent, but little is right."

She growled, understanding the implication. "You bastard!" Her grip around the umbrella tightened.

"Wife would be the wrong term," he continued. "A liar is more like it."

He saw her feet shift ever so slightly. "I want a divorce!" she screamed before she became a blur of red and purple. She came around the coffee table.

Sougo felt the force more than he saw the move. He ducked on instinct and took a moment to marvel at how much… _leg_ the slit allowed.

He rolled out of the umbrella's way. This was _not_ the time to be checking out the _enemy_. "It'll be my pleasure to get the papers!"

He sent a punch towards her stomach. She stepped back and froze at the sight of the gun's barrel. Sougo took the shot.

She cartwheeled out of the way then kicked the coffee table. It came at him horizontally. He managed to dodge the most of it but the corner still caught him in his arm. He almost dropped his gun.

"You're a bitch, you know that?" he spoke through gritted teeth as he switched the gun to the other hand. "I don't know why I ever married you."

"Me neither, uh-huh." She came at him again, fist swinging. He ducked but that had been a decoy. Her umbrella knocked him sideways.

He cursed and spat blood. Fuck. He bit his tongue.

What was that thing made of? It could shoot bullets and it felt like a truck just rammed into him.

Or maybe Kagura just had super-strength.

Sougo stabilized himself against the wall. Keeping one hand on to him stomach, he opened fire. _One, two, three…_

She dodged all of them and returned fire from the other wall.

How many shots had it been? Was the magazine finished? He also shot Hijikata back at the HQ.

Darting towards the kitchen, he reloaded. He fired at her while his left hand fumbled for the kitchen knives. He threw one.

It was the butcher knife. The large cleaver thudded beside Kagura's head. She glanced at it, wide-eyed. "This is hom – homo - homeostasis!" she hollered.

"Get your words right! It's homicide! Or to be more concise, mariticide!" Okita yelled back. He didn't know if the throw had been lucky or unlucky. That happens when you're not sure what you were aiming for.

"I don't give a damn if it's homiecide or horse-cide! I'm going to kill you!" No sooner had she said that, the same butcher knife came whizzing in. Sougo flung open the fridge door and found himself staring at the tip of the cleaver.

"You ruined the fridge!" he informed her.

"I've always thought that thing was a crappy piece of shit!" she called back and bullets crashed against the plates.

How many bullets did that thing have in there?!

Sougo hissed under his breath. One of the shards had caught him against the cheek. Some had ripped his jacket.

He threw a cup then another. They crashed against the wall above Kagura's head.

"Are you even trying to kill me?! Because this is at an amateur level, uh-huh. I'm disappointed," she ran into the kitchen, boots crunching against porcelain.

He could see that the cups had left a few cuts against her pale skin.

"I don't know," Sougo answered honestly. The hand with the gun caught her in the head, stunning her. He countered. "Are you?"

She looked at him, dazed. Then the umbrella knocked him out of the kitchen.

He groaned as he crashed outside. He wanted to curse at her, curse her soul down to hell for… _everything._ Instead, what came out was, "Fuck, are you _even_ from China? Or is that a lie?"

He sucked on his bloody tongue and cursed his soul instead.

Kagura froze at the question. "Of course! You think I was lying about that?" She stepped outside.

"I don't know," he echoed. "After all, you lied about your job and who knows what else."

They settled into fighting stances, Kagura still fingering her umbrella. Damn, he really wished he had his sword.

"Well, are you coming or are you chicken, _China_?" he beckoned her with his hands.

"My name," she enunciated each word, "is Kagura, _Sadist_."

"Duly noted, _China_."

She moved, beginning with a simple umbrella swing. He used his forearm to block and had to leap back from the high kick that followed. Kagura bent forward onto her hands and her other leg followed the first.

The long silk of her qipao fell, giving him a view of creamy legs. Again, this was no time to be enjoying the view. Those same legs were whirling, one boot slamming into his left cheek.

 _Ouch._

That must've loosened a tooth.

He rushed forward and moved to strike low. She flipped back onto her feet but he caught her stomach with a kick in midair. She landed on her feet like a cat but spat blood.

Sougo smirked.

"Come on, China. I know you're not made of porcelain," he taunted.

She smiled through bloody teeth and raised her umbrella to her shoulders. Kagura walked – no, _sashayed_ towards him. "You'd be surprised how many people believe that when they see me."

Taking the opportunity, he darted inside. He'll need to find a weapon to be on even terms. Either that or make her lose the umbrella and that didn't seem to be happening soon.

Kagura followed him, throwing a vase his way. He dove into the kitchen once again, fingers finding a handle. Without looking at what it was, he threw it and turned.

The woman stared cross-eyed at the spoon hanging on her nose. She grabbed it off her nose and flung it right back, almost nailing him in the eye. "That hurt, you bastard! I think it broke my nose, uh-huh!"

He found what he was looking for. Brandishing a long and slim kitchen knife (that looked like it was brand new) in one hand and the cleaver in the other, he turned. "Let's dance, China."

Then, it was a whirl of red, purple and flashing steel.

He felt his hand hitting something hard and a flurry of red hair before he was driven back by a steel tip. There was a flash of red before black hit his face – where had she bought those _goddamn_ boots – but he retaliated with a slash towards her leg.

Sougo felt the knife go through silk and there was blood welling up on pale skin and his other hand pushed her back – his cleaver had somehow ended up in the cabinet door during the fight.

His legs gave out after a strong kick. He winced. His shin might've fractured.

He hooked his legs around hers and pulled. The woman fell to the ground, blue eyes flashing.

Untangling their legs, they parted for a second. Okita surveyed her wrecked state.

One of her hair bun… _thing_ had fallen off and laid nearby. Loose hair framed her almost deranged state. Her dress was close to tatters, bits and pieces having fallen off in their fight. Small cuts bled, giving a stark contrast between the skin and the blood.

Okita noted with… disappointment – or was it relief – that none of them were deep. He supposed he wasn't faring any better.

His jacket ended up tossed outside some time ago and the Desert Eagle was somewhere near the ruined coffee table. He felt the weight of the Glock against him – the one that he had forgotten and _damn_ , he really wished he had brought his sword in with him – and the knife was still in his hands. His knees had torn and he was just thankful that he wasn't wearing new pants.

They lunged at each other and stilled. Sougo felt the now familiar steel barrel of her umbrella against his head.

"Your loss, Sadist," Kagura pursed her lips.

He raised his eyebrow and nodded to her neck. "You sure about that, China? I don't know about your… umbrella-gun and how many bullets it has but a knife doesn't need reloading to draw blood."

"Oh, don't worry. There's enough bullets in here to blow your brains and riddle you with new holes," she glared.

"So? Do it," Sougo taunted, staring right in her eyes. "Blow my head to bits then, China. Just know that if you do, my knife goes _slice_ and the last thing you'll taste is your blood. And you don't want that, yes?"

Blue eyes stared at him for a long time before they flicked to the side. "No," she agreed. "That wouldn't taste very good. I was hoping to die with a piece of sukunbo in my mouth."

This was ridiculous. It was clear that both of them were going to die – it was just the question of who was going first.

Till death do us apart indeed.

"Do it," he whispered. "Do it, China. You know you want to."

She gazed at him and he was surprised to see them filled with… remorse? Pity? "I-I c-can't."

The words hanged in the air with the burnt gunpowder.

Sougo stared at his wife. Did he hear that right? Were his ears hearing things? Yes, that must be it. They must've been damaged from too many gunshots and crashes. Perhaps one of the shards had managed to get in and damaged them.

That must be it. Because there was no way Kagu – _China_ was saying that. She was the most stubborn person that he knew and judging from her skills, ruthless. Just like him.

Because he would've taken the shot (or slice in this case) if he could've gotten away with it.

 _Wouldn't he?_

A niggling voice in the back of his mind – the one that sounded a lot like a chain-smoking Kondo-san – whispered, _'But do you really want to kill her? You had dinner with her.'_

His phone rang.

They stared at each other – blue on red – through the ringtone. He tilted his head. "Do you mind?"

The barrel pressed in. "No, not at all," she smiled and gestured with her free hand to take it.

He kept an eye on her, knife still pressed against her neck, while his hand searched his pocket for the phone.

"Put it on speaker," she ordered. Mentally shrugging (because who the hell calls in the middle of a night and the people at HQ knew he was… taking care of things here), he did so and put the phone on the floor.

"Hello?"

"Sougo, listen, do not, I repeat do _not_ , attack your wife. Are you listening?"

A little too late for that. "Hijikata-san. I've already attacked. She's right in my hands – I have a knife against her throat."

"What?! You bastard!" A panicked unfamiliar voice came on.

"Gin-chan?" Sougo glanced up at Kagura. She knew him?

"Kagura-chan, Kagura-chan! You're there, right? Don't kill Sofa-kun, okay? Don't!"

"It's Sougo."

"Gin-chan, if you don't tell me why I shouldn't in 10 words, I'm going to shoot his brains out."

"Because we're going to work together! You and Sofa-kun are going to work together. Now hurry up and get your asses to the house."

"It's Sougo." The house? They _were_ at the house.

"Yeah, yeah, Souchirou-kun."

Okita growled.

"Sougo, get out of there. Yamazaki just notified me that the – "

The couple stared at the cracked screen. The bullet had went right through the screen. They were lucky their legs weren't hit.

Okita slowly withdrew his knife, backing away from the umbrella. Kagura let him, lowering the weapon to her side.

"Did you shoot?" he asked, though he already knew the answer.

"It was aimed right at your head, you bastard. If I shot, you'd be dead." She raised her umbrella at the window that looked towards the shadows outside.

The bullets came not a moment later. Kagura cursed and opened her umbrella to cover both of them.

What good was _that_ going to do? They were going to die by a rain of bullets. Not a bad way to go, considering their occupations.

Okita almost wanted to laugh. To have the last laugh at the world.

But the bullets never came. He looked up and _oh_.

The umbrella was bulletproof. Not a bullet had made it past. He let out a laugh anyway. "What can't your umbrella do?"

She glanced at him. "It can't turn into a sharp weapon that I can stick up your ass."

"Harsh, China," he murmured, grinning.

He wasn't sure who the enemy were but according to Hijikata, it wasn't China anymore.

"So where's this house that we need to get to?" he asked, taking out the Glock and throwing the knife at a nearby shadow. He heard a satisfying grunt from it.

She picked up her bun thing and reattached it to her head. Why did she even need that thing?

"We'll need a vehicle. The house is right above Otose's Snack Bar."

Otose's Snack Bar… he wasn't quite sure where that was.

He nodded anyway. "We'll have to get to the front. The living room's going to be a bit hard to cross since there's an open veranda and they could open fire any moment."

"Uh-huh. You lead and I'll cover the back," she twirled her umbrella.

He glanced down at her attire. She can't possibly go out looking like _that_. Should they go to the bedroom and get a change of clothes?

Kagure peered out into the darkness once again. "They have a lot of men. We'll need to get going if we're going to make it." She looked out towards his jacket on the ground then down to herself. "Think we can get your jacket?"

At least she was thinking of herself too. But getting the jacket would be impossible.

He thought of the Shinsengumi jacket in his car and frowned. No woman had worn a Shinsengumi jacket before…

"I have a jacket in the car that you can cover yourself up with. Let's go," he motioned for her to follow. Sougo stepped out into the open and immediately retreated.

"I told you there were a lot of men outside." A pause, then, "You know, this is your fault."

Sougo turned towards her, indignant. "How is a bunch of people trying to kill us my fault? You're the one who probably called your _Gin-chan_ and – "

Kagura rolled her eyes. "I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about _this_." She gestured towards herself.

Now that she was in a crouch (and her clothes were more than torn) and Sougo was a little higher above her in the runner-starting position, he had a great view of her cleavage. A really great view that any man would appreciate.

But he wasn't going to tell her that.

"What are you talking about? You don't have anything, anyway."

He only managed to evade her attack by rolling out into the living room. They opened fire again. He ran, crouching, and took cover by the coffee table. He turned to the side and watched as the woman came to him, protected by her umbrella.

"Cover me," she whispered as she ripped a scroll beside the T.V. That thing had hanged since the beginning of their marriage, hadn't it?

Sougo mournfully stared at the T.V. It was no top liner but it had been pretty expensive. Now it looked like someone had used it for target practice.

He fired some shots in revenge for the T.V. What was China doing with that scroll?

He looked over to see her tearing the paper away from the metal rolls that held it spread. With a yell, she ripped a bulb away from the metal roll and threw both in different directions.

The booms and the flash came a moment later. The grass burned.

 _Bombs_? Those things had been bombs?!

He stared at her in disbelief. He had been living with two ticking bombs for 2 years?! What the fuck?

She glared back and hissed, "Let's go, numbskull."

He kicked the table – their only cover – out towards the open and heard 'oomphs' from at least 3 different voices in the shadow.

They moved towards the front door, him shooting at any shadow that moved and her covering the back with her bulletproof umbrella.

They scrambled towards the garage.

"We should take my bike."

He swiped at her. "Are you crazy?! A bike would get us killed."

"A bike would be faster since it's easier to maneuver through the streets!" she insisted.

"And it's easier to get shot since we're out in the open. A car gives us cover and plus, I have weapons in the back," Okita said smugly.

Giving a frustrated growl, Kagura grabbed the keys from the hook and plugged them in. He climbed in and scrambled towards the backseat for his sword and jacket.

He threw the jacket at the redhead and reached down into the storage area for his trusty bazooka. His hands had only brushed against the metal before he heard a ripping sound.

Sougo turned so fast that he almost got whiplash. Kaugra had torn her dress off, flinging the ruined fabric right in his face. He only caught a glimpse of navy underwear before that was covered by the black of his jacket.

He studied her then. It suited her, the black and gold contrasting greatly against her skin, and the fabric swallowing the red of her cuts. Her pale legs peeked out from underneath, bare feet stretching towards the pedals.

He almost didn't hear the engine start and the man in black standing right in front of the car, gun ready. Okita reacted on instinct, finger already pressing the trigger of the bazooka.

The windshield shattered and the fiery trail illuminated the man for a minute as it grazed passed him. Damn, he shot with his left.

His right, armed with a Glock, came up and the man fell. Kagura slammed her foot on the pedal and the car lurched forward, going over the man.

Sougo had barely caught his breath against the back seat before he slammed his nose at the back of the passenger seat.

"What the fuck, China?" The car went in reverse, wheels curving over the dead (hopefully) body.

"It's a speed bump, Sadist. You're supposed to accelerate over it." She shot him a 'duh' look. She pulled into the gear and pressed down on the pedal again.

Sougo swore the car flew up a few inches from hitting the body. He crawled into the passenger seat.

"That was a dead body, not a speed bump. If anything, it was a slow down!"

Kagura made a sharp turn that threw him against the door. "Do you always shoot bazookas at everyone you meet?" Her tone was sharp but also slightly teasing.

"Only the ones that I really don't like."

"Tch. Go back to the backseat if you're going to have this attitude," she snapped.

He glared at her but noticed the cars tailing them. "Fine, but only because I have to greet our guests nicely." He shouldered his bazooka again and lowered the seat flat.

"Play nice with the other boys, Sadist."

The car swerved and he slammed against the door once more. His aim faltered. Damn it. He had a good shot.

How was he supposed to play nice when China wasn't even letting him?

Glass smashed into the car as bullets were shot.

He took another shot, the missile crashing against the car on the utmost left. It flipped over and burned. Another car quickly replaced it.

"There's a hell lot of them," she muttered. "Think we can lose them?"

"Lose them?" he laughed. "You're talking to Okita Sougo, Captain of the First Division in the Shinsengumi. I can decimate them _alone_."

"Shin-shin gum?" Kagura shot him a confused look.

"Shinsengumi. You're wearing its jacket." And very well suited, it was.

"Whatever. Just hold them off."

The car swerved again, this time throwing him against the other door.

He shot another missile. It clipped the car in the middle but missed.

"Fuck, why don't I have a bomb in here?" Sougo cursed to himself.

"A bomb, yes?" she perked up. "If you get my… right bun and take the tassels off, you'll have a ticking bomb.

Okita wasted no time in dislodging it from her hair and turning it around in his hands. How was _this_ a ticking bomb?

 _But then again, the scroll ends were bombs too._

"Just make sure it's the right bun – the tassels should have a strand of yellow in the blue. Otherwise, you'll end up throwing a short dagger with a GPS."

 _Shit_. Blue and yellow?

He pressed his lips together. "You _do_ know that I'm slightly colorblind, right?" She should know that right? They lived 2 years together.

 _"_ _What?!"_ They almost crashed into the car ahead.

Then again, they didn't know about each other's jobs until now.

It pained him to admit it, especially to her, "I have trouble differentiating between blues and yellows."

She grabbed the bun thing, glanced at it and then tore the tassels off with her teeth. "Here," she pressed it into his hands. "You have three seconds to throw it."

Sougo gritted his teeth. "Fucking bitch." He threw it with all his might and was pleased to see another car go up in flames. This time, it crashed into another car.

Only one more car to go.

He aimed his bazooka again and shot. Kagura turned the wheel and the projectile went wide.

"Oi! Drive this thing properly." He slammed his hand against the head of her seat. Sougo paused, weighing his options. "You know what, you hold them off. I'll drive."

"But you don't know the way to the house. I do, uh-huh." She swerved left then right. "You hold them off."

"I can't hold them off if you're driving like this!" He scooted back into the shotgun seat and reached over to lower hers.

She yelped as she suddenly went flat. "How am I supposed to see, you bastard?!"

Okita grabbed the wheel, cursing. "You're not supposed to see the front, China. Cover the back!"

He nudged her foot away from the pedal, replacing it with his own.

"What the hell, Sadist?"

He glanced down at her. The shoulders were too big and the sleeves covered her hands. "You're a Chinese woman driving _my_ car in the middle of the road, at night, with unknown enemies chasing us. With guns."

"That's – that's r-rac-racing!" She pointed at him accusingly, eyes flashing. Her leg came up, slamming straight up against the roof of the car. It left a dent.

 _Damn, she's flexible. And powerful._

He stared at the calf and then the roof. That would've definitely taken out a tooth if it had hit his chin.

"It's racist," Sougo conceded. He thought about what he said and added. "And sexist. But _move_." He ducked down as bullets crashed against the windshield.

"This isn't over, Sadist." Scrambling back to make room for him, she half turned. He felt her back collide with his as gunfire started from her umbrella. How many bullets did that thing hold?

"So, where to?" Okita said in his best impression of a chaperone.

She glanced around. "Get off this road. It's on the other lane."

He turned, heading straight for a narrow alley.

"Bastard, when I said get off the road, I didn't mean it right now! It's never going to fit in that tiny space!"

He couldn't help it. He laughed. "That's what she said."

She elbowed him.

 _Ouch, that was definitely a rib getting bruised._

"Don't worry, China. I passed my driving exam on the first try." He twisted into the alleyway and crashed straight through the garbage. It was a tight fit, but hey, at least they made it.

Kagura shot the wheels of the car that tried to follow then picked off the men that came out to follow them on foot.

He had to admit. She was good with that gun-brella of hers.

"Left here." He turned left. "I said _left_ , you nincompoop!"

Did she really use 'nincompoop' in a sentence?

"It _is_ left. Maybe you're the one with the wrong sense of directions, China." Okita turned the car 360 and continued.

"Stop! Stop right here!" She slammed her hand against his back as if it was a brake.

He stepped on the brakes and almost somersaulted out of the ruined windshield. Kagura wasn't so lucky and sprawled onto the asphalt.

 _And that, children, is why you wear seatbelts._

"What? Is this the place?" he asked, bewildered. They were in front of a dango shop.

"No," she picked herself off the ground and brushed off the dust. "We're ditching the car, uh-huh. Obviously, they're going to have the plate memorized. We'll continue on foot. Follow me, yes?"

Normally he would argue but Hijikata was in this… plan. And the Mayora wouldn't rush into a plan with a random stranger without contacting Kondo-san first.

 _Besides_ , laughed the chain-smoking Kondo-san in his head said, _the view from behind wasn't bad._

* * *

 _Heyy, I'm back. So sorry for the long pause. This is the iconic fight scene of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Unfortunately, no 'Come to daddy... who's your daddy now?' line. Idk about mistakes. Or if the fight scene makes sense. Or the gadgets. I don't even know anymore. But hey, that's why this is fictional!_

 _In here, Sougo's kinda a perv but what can I say, Kagura has great legs and she should definitely show them more. In awesome kick-fight scenes._

 _Thanks for reading and hope you enjoyed it! Feedback is always appreciated._


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